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THIS LIFE SUX

I hate this life. I hate being Bi Polar. The only thing that could suck more than that is being schistso

i will buy me a new life

gonna try and go back to school.
i need to be a success story. So here we go. I'm on my journey.
lol idk where to start or what I'll do. But this life is not for me. and something has to give.
I want so much more for myself. and my children.

early morning madness

my phone breaks, in my hand. it wont charge only stays alive on the charger and still cant be used. but alhamdulilah i am up in time to pray.
before salat i call the ebt card and find that there were no food stamps posted on my card. lol omg. ok... nothing i can do about that at six something in the morning. I try to put it to the back of my mind.
I make wudu and pray.
I decide to write, to blog. But I dont wish to complain as i sit here thinking that its way to early in the morning to have so much stuff going on.
I want to cry but to what use?

anyway phone call to be made today. I have an appointment sometime today. It's cold out. I have no coat. The 2 jackets have done fine so far. Its suppose to snow so maybe when it does I'll go to the college and shovel for 10 dollars and hour.
I'm o old for this kinda.
But in the end insha Allah all will be ok I hope. I have faith, i dont have to know the why of things although I wish I did. I just have to Not lose my way as I walk on this dark and lonely path.
i would like to write more but not now. when idk.
I have to believe things will get better.

The Girl Inside

She rants and she Raves, Kicks, Cries and scream as she is locked in a room inside my mind.

She stomps on the floor bangs on the door and throws around all the furniture.

She is sad lonely hurt and enraged. a giant ball of angry energy how can she be contained?

She wants to make love and she wants to fight. she wants to fight and make love simultaneously a perfect combination of pleasure and pain and she will take as much as she will give.

She is jumping up and down, running aimlessly smashing into walls, involuntarily wetting herself, crying 'til she vomits, screaming til she's hoarse, nails scratching at her skin til she bleeds, pulling out handfuls of hair desperate to find a pain that will mask the other Pain, the pain that she thinks is killing her.

I sit outside the door.

I hug myself in an unreal effort to comfort her.

when her rage is spent and and she is to tired to fight anymore for now,

I open the door, find her sleeping restlessly in the middle of the floor. I clean up the room, put back the furniture, clear away the puke, the piss,the blood the hair. I clean her as best I can without waking her. I want to hold her and comfort her but I cant.

I leave food I leave water I try to leave love.

She is crying silently in her sleep, tears leaking from her closed eyes.

I reach out to stoke her face because I Know and a pull my hand away before I touch her because I KNOW.

I quietly leave the room, lock the door, sit on the floor outside the door cry myself to sleep and wait for it all to begin again...

Now that you've added your blog, we need to make sure that you own this blog.

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SAVE A LIFE?

Lyrics to How To Save A Life :
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
[ How To Save A Life Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]