I have to ask HOW do I go on living everyday. Living hurts. Thinking hurts. I never know what to do and I'm always confused. I desided I would blogg but I desided that a few times. Starting online diaries and such. Kinda stupid because I never really follow up on most things. Can't help that.
I thought I would write this in a manner in with I would introduce myself and tell about me. But I figured fuck it. I'm really only writting this for me. Who the hell is really gonna read anything I got to say besides me? I may never even read this shit again. Or blog here for that matter. Its just me and I dont need to explain myself to myself. I already know who I am.
I set up this blog the other day I was concerned about people knowing it's me. You dont want everyone to see you naked and I would like someone to read and possible follow this if I can keep up with it. So its ok to see me naked if you dont know its me lol.
I am sad today. Like most days. The baby daddy is not calling me and he has the number. I try to tell myself I'm ok with it and I know I'm not. I bought a cell phone just to recieve his calls and he hasnt called at all and I have knowone that I can cry about this too. All I can think is omg. Oh my fucking God.
He wrote me such a nice letter. So sweet so loving. And now he not calling me. And I knowthere will not be a letter in the mail today and if there is it wont be nothing good. He doesnt even tell his mom to tell me anything. He doesnt love me. He played me for this baby and he dont care about my baby.
I am alone here. I dont have a job and welfare is no money and I have very little drive. Nothing is gonna make my life better and I wonder all the time just how long will I continue to go on living. I stay alive just not to hurt other ppl feelings. "when I wan 15 my mom killed herself." Do I want someone saying that because of me. So I hang on. Hating almost everyday. because they suck.
You know whats holding me together? Magic. My last desparate hope. Foolish I know you say. I keep looking at the site. At their 100% garantee. And I think what is there to lose that I havent lost already. I am losing my mind. I am so fucking unhappy. God help me.
I dont feel like writting no more.
